


Right Beside You Whether You Want Me To Be, There's No Question

by OnceAndFloral



Series: Odin's little gift [5]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Lovecraftian Horror, Unconventional Formatting, eldritch!Lyfrassir, i don't think the trick works, rip to mobile users, sometimes you just gotta drag your friends into the yawning void yknow?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22976125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceAndFloral/pseuds/OnceAndFloral
Summary: The road to madness is a long and winding one, with twists and turns and branching paths. There's no one way to travel it, though the result always seems to stay the same.
Series: Odin's little gift [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1646122
Comments: 26
Kudos: 203





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just saying that the formatting thing is in the last section that starts with "Lyfrassir gasped as a splitting agony struck their head". Hint: highlight the blank spaces.

Lyfrassir cried. They cried, and cried, and cried, and no one paid attention because they said they weren't crying. But that didn't seem possible. To them they collapsed on the deck, sobbing until their very bones hurt. Wails would echo down the metal halls. 

Their mind was never still. Or rather, it was never _allowed_ to be still. Colors would flash just behind their eyes, not visible but Lyfrassir knew they were there. Scenes would move in and out of their train of thought at varying speeds, but never the right pace for them to properly understand it. They were either too fast or too slow.

And then the whispers. Oh, the whispers. They were so incredibly, unbelievably, _painfully_ tempting. Lyfrassir knew that the secrets of the entire universe were being told to them, if only they could understand it. But their mere presence disoriented them, and if they spent much time actively listening, they could lose track of time, space, memories… Things had to be sacrificed to listen.

Of course, there were days where it would stop all at once. The colors, the foreign thoughts, the whispers would silence all at the same time and that was just as bad. It was a special kind of sensory deprivation. Once, it lasted for a whole week. Lyfrassir could barely get out of bed to give the Aurora her routine inspection because of the weight of the silence in their head. It all felt slow as molasses, that as soon as they formed their next point they had forgotten what the first one was.

Then on the ninth day, salvation appeared.

Out of the monochrome haze came a spark of color. They choked on a dry sob of relief as it approached, star bright and beautiful. The weight of silence melted like ice in the summer sun. Its touch was soft, motherly, and Lyfrassir melted into it.

 _We have not seen you in so long_ it said. 

They didn't know who this was, but they knew it was right so they nodded in agreement.

They told it how close they were to falling apart after having to hold everything together for so long. 

_Are you tired?_ It asked lovingly. It _loved_ them. Do you want to rest?

Yes. They responded. Yes, I'm so tired.

_You are so close to me, you just need to let go._

I can't. Tears came to their eyes because it hurts so much to be away from it, away from the soft and muted hues and tenderness, but they can't let go.

_Oh, don't cry, don't cry… You'll be with me soon enough. Won't that be nice?_

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. They repeated it until the word lost meaning. There was a deep ache in their chest, a special kind of torture unique to them, to this. Please help me, please make the pain stop.

All at once the comforting touch was ripped away, tearing a short, agonized sound from their throat. Standing in front of them was the archivist. The archivist. The _archivist_. Their own mind wouldn't even form the syllables of her name, as though they'd forgotten but they knew they hadn't.

They've been standing in the engine room for a long time, she told them. She asked where they got the long metal rod hanging loosely from their fingers. They can't tell her. They didn't know.

This was met by a long pause, then she said that their hair was no longer tied up. She took them by the hand, led them back to her room rather than their own. They both sat down on the bed, and she started working on running her fingers through their hair to detangle it.

They were silent as she parted their hair to one side, wove a few braids and pulled it all back. They knew that this was usually how they styled it themself, but there was something alien about it tonight. She asked them whether they wanted it tied back with purple or blue ribbon, that she had noticed that was their cue to others for which name to use.

They didn't know. They started crying because they were losing themself and they knew it. If she saw any tears, she said nothing. Simply used both ribbons to tie their hair.

It's okay, she told them. She has forgotten important things too. She said she's sorry they have to go through it too.

They slept on the floor of her room that night. She promised tomorrow that they could spend the whole day in the archives with her, if they wanted. They agreed, not entirely sure what they felt. They… _wanted_ to want it. Didn’t that count for something?

* * *

Lyfrassir gasped as a splitting agony struck their head. They pressed their back against the wall to keep themself upright, lips moving in a silent prayer to the dead gods of the Yggdrasil system. They weren’t going to give in today. Today was the day they resisted.

“Grant me wisdom, grant me strength, grant me wisdom, grant me strength...” They whispered, squeezing their eyes shut. “Gods, shut the _fuck_ up!”

The whispers have transformed into singing. They’re sure, certain that if they could just hear some other music than this lilting song then it’ll be okay, but their head hurt so much they could barely move. They lived on a ship with a band of musical pirates, it should not be this fucking difficult to find music.

Then a feeling like a shot to the heart or a rush of adrenaline hit them. They blinked rapidly as everything fragmented into a billion different directions, their thoughts suddenly sharp and clear like shards of glass that cut into their very soul. The song made sense now.

Lyfrassir idly hummed along, the tension melting out of their shoulders now that the melody was no longer torture. Their spine is no longer being crushed against the wall now, though what feels like slimy tendrils winds around it and in between their ribs. They felt lightheaded as they pushed away from the wall to the window across the way, filled with endless stars.

They don’t look at the points of lights, though. They looked at the image superimposed to the glass. Lyfrassir reached out and touched the unfamiliar reflection. 

They started laughing but they couldn’t control it. Why couldn’t they even control their own body anymore? _Why couldn’t they even control their own THOUGHTS-_ , a grin spreading across their face as they watched veins of rainbow light just like on that man they had caused to go insane, but they hadn’t meant to and now they were racing just under their skin. It was so disgustingly beautiful, a brand marking them as Odin’s, as Yog-Sothoth’s but that doesn’t matter because their consciousness is already being dragged down again and it's just a pretty mark etched into them.

They were laughing so hard now that there’s tears and it’s echoing through the hallways louder than their sobs ever had. Lyfrassir couldn’t even remember why they were here anymore. Everything’s burning, burning, burning, and they don’t know why there’s such a strong part of them saying it’s so great right now. It’s all so funny, like when Jonny shot them.

“Lyfrassir?” They whipped around at the sound of Tim’s voice. He was looking at them like something was wrong, and that was killing them. They wanted him to stop looking at them like they were a monster, THEY DIDN’T WANT TO BE A MONSTER STOP PRETENDING THAT everything was okay, though. Nothing could be wrong when it was all so bright and colorful!

“Tim!” Lyfrassir could barely get the word out even though it was one syllable, one fucking syllable, through all their giggles. 

“What are you doing out here?” He sounded cautious. 

_“Help!”_ Lyfrassir wanted to scream. _“I’m trapped in my own fucking head!”_

“Admiring the view! The stars are just so beautiful from this side of the ship.” They take both of his hands in theirs, holding it between them as though they were standing at the sacrificial altar to speak vows to the great old ones. “Don’t you think?”

Energy surged through their fingers. Then, filling them with dread light, a grin mirroring their own grew on Tim's face. This wasn't supposed to happen, he was supposed to help them so why is so much of them saying that this is _good_. Another friend, another one who could hear the singing. 

Lyfrassir could feel Tim’s panic, trapped in the same way they were currently but it’s not like they could do anything about it anyways.

Something suddenly snapped inside of them. Lyfrassir gasped as white hot pain struck their entire body like lightning, like they were hit by a train. Their hands slipped out of Tim’s and he came to his senses all at once. Go, go, go, save yourself.

They gathered all the strength they had that was quickly dwindling to say one thing, one word: _“Help."_

The entire room exploded in a mess of colors and sound.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said only one chapter but here we are

Tim had showed up in the med bay with Lyfrassir in his arms. Marius didn’t know what to say, he was kind of panicking at how small they looked like that. Tim refused to say anything about it, but he saw the blood staining his shirt. Marius knew that something had happened, and Tim had died and now Lyfrassir was _unconscious_ and he wasn’t telling him anything. 

After he set Lyfrassir up in one of the cots he asked Tim if he could keep a watch over them. He just needed to go on a walk, to think about things. He didn’t expect to find Ivy in one of the lower decks of the ship, leaning against one of the Aurora’s consoles like she had been waiting for him the whole time.

“I wanted to talk to you,” She said.

“Huh.” That was all Marius could come up with right now. _Huh._

Ivy crossed her arms. "The Aurora showed me some footage."

"Oh?"

"She really likes Lyfrassir, you know." she continued. "Not like Nastya, of course, but she's rather fond of them."

"They report and repair damage. It seems natural the ship likes them."

Ivy pushed a button without breaking eye contact with Marius. The room was filled with familiar audio.

_“I’m not crazy. You heard them, and that means I’m not crazy. I know they’re trying to tell me something, but I haven’t figured it out.”_

_“Do you hear that all the time?”_

_“No, not all the time. You’re not_ listening _to me, Marius. I have to understand them.”_

Ivy pushed another button without giving Marius time any time to react.

 _“Fucking_ kill _me, Von Raum! You kill people all the time so kill_ me!” __

_“Okay, let me just get my gun-”_

_“Hah, no, no, no, no, you can't shoot me, that won't_ work _. Marius, please, please, please…”_

"Why didn't you tell any of us?" Ivy asked once the audio finished playing.

"Oh, like you care."

"They are my _friend_. I have known them just as long as you have." She crossed her arms again, jaw set. “I found them standing in the engine room the other day. They had a pipe in their hands, and there's a eighty seven percent chance they were going to use it to destroy something before I stopped them.”

“Why would Lyf do that?”

Anger flashed in her eyes. “Because they're falling apart, Marius. Their mental state is deteriorating and now it seems like the rest of don't even know the full scope because you've been hiding it. Did you ever think that one of us could help them?”

“Jonny tried to throw them out of the airlock the first time they really met, so excuse me if I'm a bit skeptical how the others would take it,” Marius snapped. 

“Then just tell me or Raph! Or Tim, or Ashes, or someone else close to them, but _someone._ Their condition is almost completely undocumented, and your inaction has landed them in the med bay.”

“What are we going to do now then, Ivy?!” He shouted. “What could we possibly do to stop this? We’re immortal but we’re not _gods,_ and that’s exactly what we’re dealing with right here.”

She paused for a long time. “I’ll search the archives for anything similar. There has to be something at least adjacent to it so we know where to start.”

“What if there isn’t?” Marius asked, all of the anger and energy deflating from him. 

“We’ll cross that bridge if we get to it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Am I posting too much? I've just been in a real Content Producing Mood, so I'm sorry if i'm clogging the tag lol. I also keep seeing people talk about a mech discord but i don't know who to ask to join that so I've just been marinating in my own thoughts.
> 
> Ask me questions, talk to me, or send requests/suggestions over @onceandfloral-writing on tumblr as well!


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